feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
