do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
