Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
