Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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