Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
