I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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