Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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