Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
my poor anus
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
