My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Randomize
