The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
drinking out of a sandbucket again
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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