So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
