it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
