bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
