I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Success! We fucked roommates!
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
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