Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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