and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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