Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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