I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
