he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
