she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
