The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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