I wish I could teleport
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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