I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
