I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
