is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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