I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
