ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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