that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I can't turn off my feet"
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
