There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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