I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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