I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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