I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
