I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
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