dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
