I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
