Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
