I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
