now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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