Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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