conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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