This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Of course I have a pirate flag
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
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