My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
