put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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