Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
