i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
