i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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