dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
