God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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