so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Randomize
