he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
